Death Is Big Business – The Jim Jefferies Show


Tonight
we’re talking about death. Americans hate the topic. It makes them
super-uncomfortable. Even just asking the question,
“How do you think you’ll die?” immediately puts an end
to a blowjob. It — It upsets me,
and I just stop sucking. [ Laughter ] But in the end,
death comes for us all. And it’s not just a fact
of life. It’s big business. Funerals in the United States
are a $20-billion business, partly because
some funeral parlors can take advantage
of grieving families. Man: The average cost
of a modern burial runs from $10,000 to $12,000. Man: The funeral industry
has also been known to engage in predatory
business practices, like selling vulnerable families
add-ons and services that they don’t need. People in mourning
are in no mood to haggle. “Look, look. I understand you’re
going through a hard time. But what if I tell you
what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna throw in the leather
interior and the undercoating. I’ll even give you a cup holder.
[ Chuckles ] At, uh, at these prices, you should tellmesorry
formyloss.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Funerals are also bad for
the people who are still alive. Man: Formalin,
the formaldehyde-based preservative solution
embalmers use is incredibly toxic. OSHA deems it
a dangerous carcinogen. To embalm a typical body requires 3 pounds
of this formalin solution and sends 120 gallons
of untreated funeral waste directly into the sewage system. Why are we preserving
dead bodies? Open-casket funerals are creepy. Why would anyone want to see
a more [bleep]-able version of your grandma? As if you could make her
more [bleep]-able. She kept it plenty tight. And speaking of tight, sooner or later,
we’re going to run out of room. Man: Modern burials
are also incredibly wasteful. The average gravesite takes up 32 square feet of land
in a cemetery. The only thing
that takes up more space and is just as wasteful
as cemeteries — golf courses. Now, it would be great
if we could combine the two, but that would be ridiculous. [ Laughter ] Though, you could combine them
if it was mini-golf. “Okay. What you want to do is bank off
Grandpa’s headstone, through the
industrial-accident windmill, into the waiting mouth of
Uncle Terry for the easy par.” Space is already an issue at the revered
Arlington National Cemetery, which might start
making it harder to get in. Without any type of change
in eligibility and expansion, by 2041,
we’re gonna be out of room. We could restrict eligibility to those who perish
on active duty, Medal of Honor recipients,
and Valor Awards. So even being wounded
doesn’t guarantee you a spot. So Rambo’s not
getting into Arlington? That’s what you’re saying?!
Rambo?! Is this the America
you want to live in?! [ Cheers and applause ] If a place like Arlington
is having trouble, why even have cemeteries? The only thing they’re good for
is giving teenagers who are “going through a phase” a place to smoke and get under
the shirt and over the bra. [Meekly]
“I…I don’t know. I-I just feel like I’m at home
in graveyards. [ Chuckles softly ] I guess that makes me
pretty weird, huh?” [ Laughter ] It’s true that burial after
death is becoming less popular. Only 43.5% are going that route
while 50.2% choose cremation. And the other remaining 6.3%? Their bodies
will never be found. [ Laughter ] Trust me. [ Laughter ] We need better options
beyond burial and cremation. Death would be so much better if the body simply left
no trace. But is that even possible? Man: Swedish scientists
asked that same question and developed something
called “promession.” It’s a process where you freeze
a corpse in liquid nitrogen, rapidly vibrate the body
so it breaks into millions of tiny particles
in just a few minutes, then freeze-dry the particles
and remove the harmful metals left over from
your dental fillings. You’re left with a fine dust. Now, that’s a good plan! It’s also the origin story of the lesser-known Marvel
superhero Swedish Dust Man. After an IKEA dresser
crushed his parents, he was frozen
with liquid nitrogen. Now with a little help
from his sidekick, Allen Key, his dust particles
are ready to [bleep] shit up Stockholm style! When I go, I want to be useful. Use every part of me.
Harvest my organs. Sell my teeth to someone else.
They’re not even mine. My — My scrotum would make
a lovely baby’s hat. Turn my forearms
into spatulas. Practical, kitschy. And every time
my son flips a burger, he’ll think of me. Because I’m also the burger. Nobody needs to be
remembered forever. What’s the point of a monument
or a gravestone? Maybe someone remembers you
for a generation or two at best. But after that, it’s just
a thing for kids to kick around whilst making fun of your name. “Ha-ha-ha-Ha-ha! Dick Butts!” But if your ego is so big and you just have to
leave something behind, get something smaller
and cheaper like a bobblehead. It’ll look like you. Your body can do
different activities. Maybe you like tennis.
I don’t know you. And just think
how your family will feel when they visit
your final resting place. Ahh… On a windy day,
it can be very emotional.

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